This is just a page. So I can write. And anyone who wants can listen. Well read. And anyone who doesn't want can not. Oooookay.
I guess it's a continuation to um something else. Oh I remember random thoughts.
Kay.

October 12
 

October 10
I used to hate coffee. What's happened to me? I think I know, though. They took a usually disgusting taste, added a tonne of sugar and just a touch of cinnamon, totally dehydrated it, and packed it into some aesthetically pleasing packaging. The wonders on advertising. I wanna do that. It makes me sick, but I want to mess around with peoples brains like that. I mean, it's amazing that most people don't notice it's being done to them. And half the people that do notice, don't, like me, particularly care. Actually, I do. I would much prefer to have someone that I know well messing around with my brain. But so long as no one is willing to do that, I suppose that I'll have to settle for this, the unspoken reality of everyday brainwash.
I have locked myself in a room. Well not really. There probably wasn't any need to. Generally, when I'm in here and other people come in, they sit for a few minutes and then leave. I think they're waiting for me to make conversation. And they can't handle silence. All silences here seem to be awkward. I remember when I was first going out with Gabe, we were both quiet, that whole silence thing, and I said 'awkward silence' becuase I was so used to the silences being awkward. And he said 'no, not awkard' and we were silent again. And then I realised that silence is the most comfortable thing possible. And now I'm addicted to it. Kinda like the coffee. I drank it cold. That's sad. It all comes back to the coffee. Coffee Coffee Coffee.
I have a heartbeat, it's going like hell. Never mind why.
I don't have anything remotely intelligent to write tonight. My mouth tastes yukky, you know you have bad breath when you can taste it.

October 1
Okay so no more depressing shit. When ever I do this shit I make myself angry. Not because it's depressing. Just cos I get at people for thinking they're so wise, and then I go and ponder the meaning of life. Aaaarrrrrrgggggghhhhh. Just be sad like a normal person, don't try to figure out why you're sad. Dork. :)

But, I can still be philosophical. That's the one little thing I'll allow myself. So maybe when I'm old and grey and have kids, etc, I can read over this and see what it actually felt like to be a young'un. Cos I think every single person on this world (not quite but almost), when they get pissed off with their parents says, whatever I do, I'm not going to treat my kids like they treat me. Oh and, the whole 'I'm not gonna forget what it's like to be a teenager' thing. But then they grow up and they're exactly like their parents. Of course you forget. There's no such thing as future or past, it's just all present. You can't remember a feeling, can't feel it again. You can just remember how it felt. If you get me. There's only one moment. And I hate the way that humans try to capture it with 'time'. Times not a real thing. We think that every second is equal, minutes and hours are all 60's. But that can't be true. When you're waiting for something, the moments, seconds if you'd like, take longer than a measure. The ticking of a clock is like a jail, trying to capture time, but it can't, the only thing it captures is the human race and our obsession with organisation and explanations.
Everytime you feel an emotion, you take it to the next height. Sadness wouldn't hurt any more if it was just the same all the time. You'd be used to it, you'd know how to deal with it. Or, when you go into a situation when you know what's going to happen. Me going to this new school. I knew that I wouldn't really get along with people, I knew that I was still different, but somehow I figured it would all work out. Either people would actually like me for who I am, or I wouldn't care. But it's not as easy as that. Lonliness does hurt a bunch. And you know, you relate it to the situation you're in. You could always feel it. Even when you are surrounded by people you love and who love you, you still feel it. We have to feel it. Otherwise we'd be dead. No one realises how addicted to emotions we all are. How good you feel after laughing, really laughing, for even a minute. How cleansed you feel after a good cry. The feeling in your stomach when you feel the mutual love, paternal or, you know, sexual. It doesn't matter. Emotions are so a drug. You get your highs, you get your lows. You even get the munchies. And the nausea.
I'm sorry to anyone that's reading this. You probably think I'm crazy. But I'm promise I'm not. I swear. Mwuah ha ha ha ha. :) Just trickin. But no, seriously, this is just some of the random stuff that flows around my brain. And these few thoughts are the ones lucky enough, well smart enough, to come to my brain when I'm busy at my own awesome little piece of technology. So enjoy them. Or don't. Either way. I do.

September 30
Yeserday was a day. I went to a movie and shopping with my one 'friend'. Wasn't that fun. She is so mean to me, so closed minded. Everything I liked, she hated, and told me so with a disgusted look on her face. She made me feel about three feet tall, and hey, I know I'm short, but... Then I came home and my dad yelled at me. And I started crying. And couldn't stop. I was leaking from every hole in my face for about two hours. It hurts so much when you realise that neither you or your one friend  really like each other at all. And that you don't have any friends in this country, or particularly like these people at all. And that your parents don't like you. Or probably each other for that matter but that's another story. And that the people you love most, a whole town of them, are a million billion towns away, and you're not gonna see them for a while. And that's what hurts the most. Cos you've seen how nice, loving and caring people can be. Not perfect either, just normal, and lovable. And these people have done so much good for you, that now this screwed up country and the stupid drunk people in it have reversed. And by the time you do get to see these people again, you'll either be dead, messed up, or just plain truly australian, shallow, and drunk. And as much as they say they won't care you've changed, it'll still be different. I'll never really be Paula, the awesome aussie girl with friends. I'll just be Paula. The fucked up, sad, bitter dickhead. And as much as I want to be dead, I don't want to. I wanna see what this whole life deal is about. I just wish it wasn't about so much sadness and disappointment.
I miss you guys so much, you could not believe. I need to be there. I wanna stop crying.

September 25
Do you realise that you're getting old? Like, when you're there do you see that you're going a little crazy, forgetting simple things, maybe not regognising people? I doubt it. I mean, when you get to your twenties you think, hey I'm getting old and then late thirties or whatever you have the whole midlife crisis thing and whatsoever. But when it's really true, do you notice it? And if you do, once again, say to yourself, hey, I'm getting old, do you really believe it, or is just one of those things. Like, I'm me, I'm not old, crazy, stupid, intellegent, etc. Cos whatever you are, it's a hell of a lot easier to realise what you aren't.
I read this newspaper article and it was really good. It was just short. This woman totally captured everything about, I dunno, one possibility of the future. But anyway, she said this one awesome thing. 'Societies get into trouble when they begin to believe money is real, which it isn't... Money is in the nature of a working illusion based on an unspoken agreement about value.' Which she stole, well borrowed from some guy. But that doesn't matter, it is so true. I mean, money to us is a piece of plastic or paper. And what makes this plastic/plastic worth a certain amout it the little number written on it. But even the number isn't a certainty. 50 Australian dollars and $50US and 50 pounds and 50 yen aren't just 50 equal.
Why can't the person that I am inside ever fully come out? I mean, I can write all this shit down, I can think stuff that makes sense to me, but the minute I actually voice something, I stutter, and don't say things the way I want to, or just plain forget. And then I get ridiculed by people. And then I forget what I really thought in the first place, the thing that made sense, and remember what ridiculous thing I said. And the worst thing is it's so hard to get back into the swing of it being like this. For a year I had people actually interested in what I had to say, who were open minded enough to agree, or at least accept what I had to say, and even like my for my dumb, strange little things. And now people don't want to see me anymore. They don't care what, or even if I think, they just want to see a teenage girl who cares about nothing but sex, alcohol, and even drugs. It doesn't matter that I'm not that. Or don't want to be that. Or don't like people that are like that. But, the pressure is going to be on me for the rest of my damn life to conform and be like them. Oh well. At least I occasionally enjoy my own company. I'm gonna have to put up with a damn lot of it!
I just wish I could be me. Like me I want to be. The me I am, just not on the outside. I guess I am that person, but people just don't care and don't like me so I think I'm doing it wrong. But then I realise that it's not me who's doing it wrong. It's the people around me who don't accept me. See, I don't mind if they don't like me, but couldn't they just accept that I'm me and they don't particularly like me and just not talk to me?
Right, so I'm dumb. But I'm allowed to be. I'm just gonna write dumb stuff right now. Hey isn't this all dumb?
No one can ever say 'I know how you feel' and be saying it truthfully. You can never ever know how someone else feels. 'Sad' is just a broad generalisation of an emotion. The way I feel sadness and the way someone else feels sadness is completely different. So there's not really such thing as empathy. Sympathy, yeah, but not empathy. Even if you've been in exactly the same position as someone at exactly the same stage in your life and all the rest of it, empathy isn't possible.